Reading Tim Keller’s little book on Self Forgetfulness, I realized something. The problem with my busyness and running around spilling coffee and droppin’ things is that a bunch of it is all for the wrong motives. The real reason I do a lot of things, if I’m being honest(which is what blogging is all about), is that I crave attention. I try to eat and cook healthy and work out because I want people to notice(so they aren’t judging or criticizing). I want my husband happy and I want to be healthy, for me. Ok so it’s not a crime but why do I teach a little artsy class? I love them and it brings me joy and delight. But also to impress their parents…! Alright but why am I trying to do everything right and please my coworkers? I’m afraid my boss will dislike me and fire me?! That’s living in fear. Why do I sign up for ministries and volunteer and serving projects? To gain recognition, to look good, do good, be good, all for others…because deep down inside, God’s love IS enough and should be enough, but I don’t believe it. I don’t trust His blessed assurance – I just go on and on thinking I need praise of others:( why does it bother me or wrack me with guilt if my friends or social life is stressful or someone says something hurtful so I think it’s all my fault? I jump to defend myself thinking there was another reason, but really I just don’t like it people think bad of me! Finding the balance of caring, but not being jaded, or not caring too much but not being uncaring seems to be a lifelong struggle.
In other news, e beginning of this long week I started out all down and discouraged, worried I have ADD, ADHD, trouble focusing, brain fog, aging/memory loss, going to get sick, need a doc, stressed about finding the time for therapeutic counseling, making little mistakes, when I realized, “oh! All I need is more of the Reliv supplement and working out and more sleep!” But then I worried we couldn’t afford more supplements because I don’t have time to juggle that business, and then I felt all guilty and badgering myself. I was a real bully! Next thing I knew, I found myself meditating on Psalm 84, in the beauty of Descanso Gardens. I journaled and prayed, and Thursday went MUcH better, I felt better and so today after my jog and seeing my herb garden seedlings starting, I rejoiced that I a blossoming into the woman He wants me to be. He loves me more than I can imagine, and that is enough.