What do I really believe?

This morning I enjoyed a nice hike-jog through my town. It was beautiful and I enjoyed the smells and sights and morning sounds. I taught one of my last(next week will be my last for the semester) artsy classes and then I prayed and fell apart in the arms of Jesus and His people. It hit me that:
I want my husband happy in his work
I do not want to move or leave here.
I want my husband to find a job here that is fulfilling.
I want to buy or rent a house here to raise my kids here.
I love this city. I think there a million opportunities for ministry, the arts, and good churches and schools for our kids.
I do not want to leave.
I don’t want to live in the southeast with the humidity and other southern things that I struggled to love in high school, find joy in college and then I fell into depression.
I don’t want to raise kids overseas so far away from our families. I liked teaching overseas but I want this to be homebase and my heart feels selfish guilty and emotional right now!
I pray for peace, contentment and for guidance right now. I want to go encourage and uplift my husband, not tear him down!
He has been so helpful and thoughtful! We have fun giggling and spending more time together right now !:)
People ask how he’s doing and I start to cry- he is so sweet and happy I’m the one that panics and cries out to God.
My pastor asked if I wanted to help with drama and Christmas stuff this year. Oh of course I want to!
My coworker brought her kids by as we were all finishing up, and I fell in love with another precious family. I know it’s expensive to live here but I know people that do it!
I love my apartment- it’s charming, quaint, 1940s and big! I was just feeling settled thinking maybe kids next year…
God knows. It’s okay. I’m human but He is God! He knows our desires.
My friend from work showed me a train. The engine (front car) is the facts: the truth of God’s word. The middle is the coal- our faith. The caboose? Our feelings. What do you feed your steam engine with?:)

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