Hi fellow bloggers! I’ve missed you. I have been wanting to get back on here, for a number of reasons. It helps me to write. I was journaling a bit, but I’ve been doing more praying and way too much thinking and worrying, and I should just journal prayers and then also blog it out here.
Why was I agonizing so much? We were very active and happy – living a spoiled life in our wonderful apartment, at our jobs, in our church, and community. I’ve been discovering Acacia/Adams Hills behind us (So Glendale and into LA) and I am so grateful for the views. I had a fabulous “Morning of Listening” (BEST.IDEA.EVER) over at Descanso Gardens with the Christian Assembly women, where you just go pray, maybe journal or read the Word, but mostly it’s just YOU AND GOD. IN NATURE. QUIET. FOR 2 HOURS! Yep. Why don’t we do this more often?!
Then it hit me. My mama was here visiting (and my brother in law was here for a quick visit!), and my sister is coming into town soon too! As my mama was on her way to meet us for dinner, I got the call that my husband had gotten let go from his job. However, I know all this stuff: “He wasn’t happy there. She was a micromanager b—-. He didn’t feel like he was doing anything fulfilling. God has something way better. Yay for more opportunity! Maybe he will find something more rewarding and then he will be happy. Oh he’s a good hardworking, kind man, there’s lots of new ideas…Oh this is a good thing, a blessing in disguise, silver lining…” AND THEN I was waking up early every day. 6, 6:30, 5:45, 4:30, 3am…praying to God to keep the worry and discouragement and depression at bay. I absolutely love it when he’s out on his bike on the road or in Griffith, or we are swing dancing and I look into his eyes and he tells me “everything’s going to be alright.” But I don’t like it when SATAN comes in and attacks us, (we had 4 different colds/fevers/flus this winter-spring – that’s a lot for us, we would try to sleep and take our supplements and tea, but I think it’s demonic and oppressive the way it would occur right when work needed us or family was visiting or the church could use our service/gifts), Satan comes in and makes us speak nasty to each other (hurting the other’s feelings, being judgmental or when I’m hormonal and tired or when he’s tired and stressed from work and takes it out on me etc.) Satan has literally tried to get me with worry and doubt. “HA! You thought you could pay off all your debt!? WHAT ABOUT RENT?! What if you have to MOVE and leave your beloved CA friends and you have to go to NC or VA (where our parents are)?! What if you have to break your lease because it’s all on your shoulders now and you can’t cover rent hahhaaha” and his cackling sense of reminders and prodding. Poking me at 3:30a saying, “hmph. You thought you were happy here, you should’ve stayed in Congo or go back to Egyp-I mean Nashville.” Not that Nashville is Egypt. It was my Egypt when I was depressed and when I was praying to relocate here. I would start to argue with him, “Satan! You can’t touch me. I AM content here and joyfully thankful to be here! I did work hard to be here, but God returned me to the land He promised me, showing me the way, and not only allowing me two layoffs and then David’s first layoff, He will take us through this!”
This is my problem. I try to control, fix, take things back into my hands, all in the name of “helping.” I think I’m serving a customer but I get in the way. I think I’m helping out a friend but it annoys or irritates them. I think I’m being a helper to my husband- he just needs some time alone. I have to remind Satan that he was already defeated long ago – and that I CANNOT SAVE DAVID AND SIGN HIS PAYCHECKS! 🙂 God is in control (THANK HIM! WHEW! I’m glad I’m not!) However, my human self keeps taking it off the altar (that I placed it there the night before) so I can pick it all apart and come up with a solution. I want to stay here and have a baby next year at my hospital! HA! I wanted to see about working and getting an online degree maybe. I wanted to raise my kids here in this multicultural place (they have “Look” in 3 languages on the crosswalks. I love this town). I already was mapping out good schools for them (I don’t think I’m cut out to homeschool even though I was raised homeschooled, and both DH & I were teachers in the past. I want to try charter, classical, or magnets, if God wills, if possible).
At first I was devastated – what about _this bill_ or _that_bill or someday wanting to get a piano or a dog or trips to see our family (especially my nieces & nephews in UK)? What about _x_? But it was really nice having my mama here to lift our spirits. The scary part of this unknown/uncertain time? My wonderful husband doesn’t know where God wants him nor what’s next or what HE wants to do next ! He’s got such a heart for service. But I really need to stop the nagging (before I begin it!) and let him do his paperwork and research. I hated when I told people (thinking they’d pray or send helpful positive thoughts) about looking for work and all they gave is opinions, judgments, advice that wasn’t helpful, negative ideas, and scrutiny. I never wanna be that!
One minute my heart is anxious, worrying, mind darting to & fro. The next my mind is happy and at peace, thankful and grateful, joyful and content. Then my emotions kick in and I start asking, “Why, where next?, what next?, who should he talk to? How come? How will we _?” So my heart is troubled. I’ve been reading the Psalms for comfort – and they are like my heart! One verse is praising and shouting – laughing, singing, dancing, making music! The next stanza is cold, dry, bitter, harsh, and gruesome. Up and down, back and forth. I know all the stuff about “Trusting God” through thick and thin, but do I do it?! I have faith in my God, but do I believe He will show us? That’s when Satan argues, “But how long did it take last time? You’re not patient, you are a failure, you make mistakes…” and my inner critic is shy and afraid.
Francis Chan has a great vimeo (part of his basic series) about fearing God. I’m afraid right now, of God’s power – of His great love – and His perfect awesome Holiness! But then I read a Psalm and it says, “His lovingkindness has no end!” “He is tenderhearted” “He will never leave you.” I’m scared of Satan, but then I jump back on top of him and shout, “Haha you can’t get me! No way! NOTHING can keep us separated from GOD’S LOVE, so there, get away!” Then I go to the gym and run it off or work it off. Or I go to work where I have supportive friends or I go to church where they pray with us. Or I hike and look out, seeing the skyline, and thank God He brought me here. How else would I have met this man, the one that’s my type, he balances me, he teaches me, he’s so patient with me? I think he’s pretty great!
Can we please stay here forever?:)
Thanks for your prayers, friends. He’s fine – he is so positive! I’m the panicky one.:)